"You have searched me,Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongueyou, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from youwhen I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.....
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
Now
the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is
freedom.And we all, who with
unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which
comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:
17-18
I’ve been thinking a lot lately
about the saying “people never really change”. I don’t believe that people have the
ability to change other people.Nor,
do I believe that people have the power to change on their own.I’m convinced there is someone much
bigger than us who has the power to change hearts - even the hardest of
hearts.I believe it because I’ve
experienced it. I’ve seen, in my own life, what God can do with a broken spirit
through Jesus.I’ve also witnessed
it in my husband’s life and in our marriage. God has revealed Himself to me in a profound way in different seasons slowly breaking
down even the toughest walls I’ve built.I believe that as soon as we take our first breath, we are born with a
sinful nature. Where does this
innate nature come from?I believe
it can only be explained through the story of Adam and Eve.As soon as Eve ate the fruit, her
decision changed the entire world. It was the turning point for mankind, a crossroads between
perfection and imperfection.But,
someone would come along who would repair what man had destroyed (John 3:16).
When I gave my life to Christ,
there wasn’t this instant spiritual transformation or understanding.However, I felt this strong desire
towards becoming a better person, a motivation to be more like Jesus.It’s been a gradual process, a very
dark one at times. I’ve had so
many questions along the way.I’ve
been skeptical trying to put my faith in something or someone I wasn’t sure I
truly believed in.I’ve
contemplated whether or not the entire Bible was the written word of God.I’ve doubted Him.I’ve lost faith when I haven’t fully
understood His will or His motives.It took time for me to trust a Man I could not tangibly see, hear or
touch. He’s put me in many
situations- some good, some bad- for my faith in Him to grow stronger, for
change to come. A change that I
never thought was possible. And, I’m undoubtedly certain that those who knew me
at the time didn’t think it was possible either. I’m realizing that Christ was the only One that saw my true
potential.He was the only One who
truly believed in me.That He
created me with a purpose in mind.That He created me in His image (Genesis 1:27). That I’m special and
loved more than human words could ever express (Ephesians 3:18). I’m learning this more and more with
each new day.
I’m in an amazing Bible study. I went last year and honestly wasn’t
crazy about it. I don’t blame God or anyone else for the mediocre experience. I
wasn’t in a position to really listen. I was allowing circumstances to become my stumbling
block.I lost focus on Him and
turned to the world for comfort. The
one thing that I did gain through the study of Genesis was an understanding of
how Jesus fit into the Old Testament and how He’s always been there even from
the beginning.I didn’t sign up for the next year but
my heart felt a slightly heavy feeling because of my decision. The next fall, I was surprised to hear
from my new leader for our discussion group. "That’s weird, I thought. I wonder who signed me up?"I confessed to her that I had been under a ton of stress and
couldn’t add anything else on my schedule. With gentleness and grace, she said she understood and would
pray for me but to let her know if I changed my mind.My heart felt significantly heavier after our
conversation.I knew my desperate
soul needed Jesus.I really needed
to hear from Him. The truth was
that I wanted to isolate myself even from Him.I felt as if no one would understand my loneliness, my
depression and no one would want to be around my crummy attitude including
Jesus. I was being fake not
feeling comfortable sharing my struggles with others.I was giving into the lies instead of resting in His
promises. So, I got down on my
knees and prayed.
Asher was about four months old at
the time.During these months, he was
extremely colicky and always seemed to be unhappy or in pain. I was only getting about 30 minutes to an
hour sleep each night.It seemed
as if he cried ALL the time.I was
going through the motions of taking care of him but had little desire to bond with
him. I was in survival mode. It broke my
heart.I was crying a lot!I was also dealing with a toddler that
was still in diapers who was adjusting to a new baby brother.I felt I was in over my head.I wasn’t praying and when I did, my
words felt so empty.I wasn’t
sharing time or thoughts with Him.I wasn’t gaining strength from His word and so I didn’t even bother opening
my Bible. We were rarely going to
church anymore.It was like I was
walking along on a straight path and somehow fell in a deep, dark hole
wondering how I got there.Getting
out is hard when you’re not prepared with the proper equipment to get you out.The guilt of not enjoying every second
of this precious time dug the hole even deeper and it spiraled me into a depression.How in the world was I not enjoying
every second of this precious time?I would envision leaving the family for a bit just to get myself back.But, I couldn’t run.I had to face my “demons” head on.My family needed me.I know God must of used this depression to show me I needed Him.And, He made me realize I no longer wanted to “drink from this cup”.It wasn’t just about me anymore.Once again, I felt an intense
motivation to change.Danny also
recognized that something needed to change within himself.He didn’t feel equipped enough to handle a wife that was so
sad, so disconnected and sometimes really draining to be around. He was tired too and in need of encouragement. We were struggling.He realized he needed to give this
situation to God in order to help me cope better – to help carry me, to help
support me, to help encourage me.To
be that amazing spiritual leader that he is.So, we went back to the source.The only source we knew could truly guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7)
and get us back on track.
The day rolled around for the first
class in this study. Again, I was still really sad I
declined the invitation.The same
day, my previous leader called on the phone (not a text, not a Facebook message,
but a phone call) asking where I was and how I had been.She said she had registered me for the class this year but was
disappointed to see that I wasn’t there (so, THAT is who signed me up).She also encouraged me to come even if I
realized down the road that it was too much for me in this season of life.Okay, between both of these women, God was pushing me.He was calling me.So, “I got up and
followed Him”. I’ve been going
ever since. I've also dealt with obstacles along the way and “ negative forces” trying
to convince me I shouldn’t go.But, I persevered through the hurdles. I’m so very grateful that God
pushed me.He’s most definitely rewarded me with a different
perspective and attitude through this experience.My prayer had been answered.
I’m incredibly certain God has used
this study of Matthew to train me and to communicate how much He truly does
care for me.And, how He believes
in me.But, what I really want to
focus on is the transformation He’s made in me since studying this gospel.How His Spirit has become real and
alive in me again.For those of
you who aren’t familiar with Matthew, he was the tax collector who Jesus chose
as one of His disciples.He asked
this ordinary man that was a sinner to leave everything and follow Him.And, Matthew did just that. Scripture says, “he gets up and follows
Him” (Matthew 9:9).The author
didn’t say that he went home and packed a bag or told his family goodbye.He didn’t say that Jesus asked him to
fix what was broken and come looking for Him when he got it all together.No, Jesus wanted him right where he was,
sitting in his little tax collector’s booth. The Great Shepherd found one of His lost sheep (Luke 15).Matthew, with very little knowledge of
who Christ was at this point, picked up his cross and followed Him.He asks us to follow Him in the very same way He asked Matthew.His Spirit shines brightly
when we seek Him with all of our hearts
and with all of our souls. Even
when I’m in distress and things have happened to me, in later days, I will
return to the Lord and obey Him [because I love Him].For my God is merciful and will not abandon me or destroy me
(Deuteronomy 4:29-30).
I’ve seen His Spirit shine in me so
brightly this year.I see my
transformation when I put Danny before myself.I see it when I selflessly pray, full of compassion, for
others.I see it when I’m a gentle
and kind wife, mother and friend. I see it when I’m encouraging, effortlessly sharing God’s
promises to others.I see it when
I communicate out of love instead of anger in my relationships.I see it when I let go of past regrets
and failures.I see it when I
engage with my kids by not playing on my phone or focusing on other things.I see it when I’m free of fear and anxiety.I see it when I’m intentional on giving
my very best to others and myself.Not in perfection, but focusing on just giving my best.I see it when I ask a disappointed friend
for her forgiveness instead of becoming defensive.I see it when we discipline Addy with love and gentleness. I see it when it's just me and Asher bonding. When I can do nothing but love on him and kiss him. I see it when I help a neighbor or
friend.Or, when I help a complete
stranger.I see it when my desire
is to please God and not others.I
see it when I have self-control and do things in moderation. I see it when I’m tempted with lies
about myself and I shift my focus asking Him to help me take my thoughts
captive.I see it when I’m eager
to get home after Bible study and learn more about Him.I see it when I really don’t want to do
my study but I do it anyway. I see it when I’m self-aware of my sin or
motivated to change for the better.I see it when I talk to God, when I passionately cry out to Him.I see it even when I feel absolutely nothing and I pray anyway.I see it when
I’m driving down the road worshipping Him through music.I see it when I truly believe and
understand what I’m singing in church or in my kitchen - I raise my hands in
praise - in thankfulness and submission.I see it when I empathize with someone hurting.I see it when I have deep conversations with Danny,
from reading Scripture together, about Jesus and how we want to change because
of Him but also for each other - for our kids. I see
it when I’m feeling good enough, confident enough - when I feel His Power and
Love over me.I see it when I
persevere through a challenging day with positivity and joy.I see it when I don’t complain about
mundane activities like changing diapers or washing bottles or fixing dinner or
cleaning toilets or doing laundry or experiencing exhaustion. I see it when I embrace and reflect on eternal
life. I see it when I’m happy and excited for my loved ones that are with Him
instead of wanting them here with me.I see it when I feel that He is all I need in this world to
feel secure and safe. I see it
when I write a blog confident in what I believe in without worries of how
people may judge me. There will be
one day when I’m in His arms, in His perfection. Until that incredible day, this
world will always bring trials; bring battles I will have to confront head on
with Him.I’ve realized I can’t
expect perfection in myself or in others.But, I can wait for a day that will come and I’ll truly be free of
imperfections. Where my soul will
be complete in His arms.He will
wipe every tear from my eyes and welcome me home (Revelation 21:4).
I vividly remember a conversation Danny
and I had a few weeks after losing Evie.I would consider it as a defining moment.I was having a really hard day and just couldn’t find
peace.I had a more of these days than good in the beginning of her death.Whenever I was in one of these desperate moments, I would pick up the
phone and call Danny. I believe
God knew I needed to hear His words through Danny’s voice because I wasn’t quite
there yet with trust.I admitted to Danny that I wanted to walk away from God.I confessed to him that I didn’t even
feel as if I truly believed He was real.And, that the thought alone terrified me.I was convinced I was done trying to understand Jesus until
Danny helped open my eyes to a new perspective.He said that by seeking Christ, he felt he would be able to give
the very best part of himself to me as well as others regardless if God were real or
not.He said that if he died and
God didn’t exist, worst-case scenario, he gave his very best to the people and
things in this world.Jesus’ philosophy
would teach him how to live a life of hope, faith and love.The opposite, of course, would be if he
chose not to believe in Him.If he
didn’t live his life in accordance with God’s will, then to find out He was
indeed real; it would be a truly sorrowful day.That every trial he had ever faced on this earth would look like a walk in the park compared to finding out He does exist and lived a life of unbelief and
dead faith (James 2:17).I still
think of this conversation to this very day.It was a game changer in my walk.I then decided I wanted to live the life with Him instead of
without Him. I've been seeking and loving Him ever sense. I'm addicted to what only He can give. I’m really looking forward to
the day I can thank Him face to face. Until then, the only thing I can do now is follow Him.
When the sun starts to rise And I open my eyes You are good, so good In the heat of the day With each stone that I lay You are good, so good
With ever breath I take in I'll tell you I'm grateful again When the moon climbs high Before each kiss goodnight You are good
When the road starts to turn Around each bend I've learned You are good so good And when somebody's hand Holds me up helps me stand You are so good
With every breath I take in I'll tell You I'm grateful again 'Cause its more than enough Just to know I am loved And You are good
So how can I thank You What can I bring What can these poor hands Lay at the feet of a King I'll sing You a love song It's all that I have To tell You I'm grateful For holding my life in Your Hands
When it's dark and it's cold And I can't feel my soul You are so good When the world is gone gray And the rain's here to stay You are still good
So with every breath I take in I'll tell You I am grateful again And the storm my swell Even then it's well and You are good
This is probably deeper than I should get with some, but
I’ve been pondering the phrase “God won’t give you more than you can handle”
for some time now.What if this is
not the case?Maybe God doesn’t
give us these things, but what if this world gives us more than we can bear at
times: temptation, depression/anxiety, addictions, insecurities, death, overwhelmingly
busy schedules, financial burdens...whatever it may be?What if, in
these moments, we realize we need saving? That we need a rescuer to come down and scoop us up so we can
handle the things this world can bring.What if some of us need those rock bottom moments so we can humbly
realize we’re not in control?To
remind us that God is sovereign and He promises us His healing hand. And that He will carry our burdens and
hardships by giving us an inner strength like no other: “Peace I leave with you; my
peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives”. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do
not be afraid” John 14:27.What
if it’s necessary for some of us to receive more than we can deal with just so we
can cling to Him knowing we can’t do it alone? What if we need something heavy to jolt us, to wake us up
from our “content coma”, to help us get our focus back on Him?It’s so uncomfortable though, I know. But,
what if getting us out of our comfort zone is our saving grace? Most of the time, I gain strength and
spiritual peace in my weaknesses. Some of you may too. I can definitely relate to Paul in the New Testament:
Therefore, in
order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a
messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it
away from me. 9 But
he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in
weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so
that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in
weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For
when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
The Bible study I’ve recently started attending has challenged me with
this question: have I realized I need a Savior? In this season of life I can
honestly answer, “yes” to this question. I desperately need Him in my current circumstance.The times when I’m
complacent or everything’s going just as it should…not so much. This is when I can potentially start to stray from Him the most. The realization
that I need a Savior is crucial in my understanding of Christ and essential in
my walk with Him.It’s easy to say
I believe in Christ, of course.But, until I actually grasp why He came to earth for me, why He died for
me and why He resurrected for me, it won’t change my perspective or my
heart. This is where I'll find my rest...in Him. I'll find a Savior. It definitely becomes more personal, right?
I’m running on an hour of sleep
today. ER with Addy for a few hours last night. Croup is no joke. Poor baby. I
absolutely hate it when she's this sick. Kids with vomit bags surrounded us.
One kid actually puked, but that was enough for me. If you know me well you
know I'm a germaphobe. If you know me really well you know I hate puke! I was not really prepared to face one my fears last
night. Silver lining: These sick babies got the best care ever and will quickly
get back to health. So thankful for pediatric nurses. They’re a gift from God. Addy
also got some really great meds. They're working already. She's on the mend
and eating lots of popsicles. Very fussy and cranky this morning, but wanted to
just cuddle up with me. I really enjoyed the closeness of her wrapped in my
arms. I’ll want these moments back one day. Got bleach on my very favorite
shirt. I’m still wearing it. I wore it to my appointment. It’s an awesome color (it brings out my eye color) minus the bleach stain. And, it fits
perfectly around my pregnant belly. I refuse to stop wearing it. I ran out the door without a jacket. Is it
really Spring? Note to self: Check the weather before leaving house without a
jacket, genius. Silver lining: If I were wearing my jacket, there would've been
bleach on it too. Note to self: Collect old jackets to give to those that don't
have jackets. I hope I really do it this time. Oh, time. Precious time. What I fill
with my precious time these days. Trying to make doc appointment and left cell
phone in garage. Had to go back and get it. Danny didn't know I came back. He called asking me if I'd ever experienced the garage door going up and down on its own before. I
was going to mess with him, but didn't have the energy. He thought we had a
ghost or a really smart rat. He makes me laugh. Rewarded myself with a chicken biscuit with cheese
from Chick-fi-la. Hey, it’s the small things. I may continue to reward myself
today with a chocolate hazelnut frozen yogurt waffle cone at Pinkberry. Another one of my guilty pleasures. Got to see our sweet Asher on the big screen.... it’s so amazing every
time I get to see him on an ultrasound. We got a 3D this time. He was absolutely
gorgeous! I can't wait to meet him. My crazy morning ended with happy tears and
a sigh of relief. Just basking in the moment. I was reminded of Scripture: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry
about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I then had another thought. Jesus saying in a tender voice "my sweet girl, don’t worry about the other things going on around you. Enjoy what I’ve given
you. What's right in front of you. Don’t lose sight of what I’ve done for you. These are the moments that
count.” So true…. so very true. There's
going to be so many more crazy days like this when Asher gets here. Some days
when I feel I don't have it all together and I'm a mess. Some days when I feel inadequate. Some days when I feel
like pulling my hair out. And, some days when I’m thankful for the days that do
go smoothly. But, it’s all worth it. My kids are here to remind me of sweet
blessings. A mom’s job can be the hardest. At the same time, it can be the most
fulfilling, most rewarding job in the world. It's honestly one of the best things I've ever done. I wouldn't have it any other
way.
