Reflections

“When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am.”

As a little girl, I loved the song “Pass the Dutchie".  I know, you laugh, but I

adored this song. The reggae beat and kids singing made me happy. I didn’t have a care in the world. I was happy just dancing and laughing.  Sometimes I would dance by myself, but other times my Daddy would spin me around. I was so innocent that I didn’t know what the song meant (I think it is about passing a joint, right?).  Anyway, back to the point. It didn’t matter what the words were about, it was just a fun song.  Heck, I’ll admit, I still love the song.  

As I reflect on this unforgettable memory of childhood, I am also reminded of the song “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz.   It has a similar fun, upbeat and happy tune. Danny and I were going to introduce this song to Evie in hopes that it would make her feel the same way I did as a little girl: happy and carefree. We heard it during the pregnancy and envisioned our “family to be” dancing around together.  After losing Evie we would randomly hear this song. It didn’t matter where we were, tears would flow down both of our cheeks instantaneously. Those were sad moments, but they also served as bonding experiences for Danny and me.  We were the only ones on the planet that knew the impact this ordinary song had on us. We were sharing the same hurt, the same heartbreaking sadness of losing her. When we were alone, we would embrace one another and talk about the pain and how much we desperately missed her. It would usually end in us praying together; asking God for healing.

I haven’t heard that song in a while… until the other day.  Upon hearing it, that all too familiar ache for Evie resurfaced and I was instantly shoved back into the painful past.   The song instantly brought me back to the beginning memories of when we lost her (crazy how a song can bring you back to a time in your life).  Although my wounds are healed, there was a powerful hurt in my heart; it made me realize that I still longed for her.  I would love for her to be here with us celebrating her new baby sister. This nostalgic memory led me to the truth that we may not be able to dance together now, but according to Christ, we will one day.  

Scripture tells us that God promises Heaven to those that believe. Jesus says:  “Don’t be troubled. You trust God, now trust in me. There are many rooms in my Father’s home, and I am going to prepare a place for you. If this were not so, I would tell you plainly. When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know where I am going and how to get there” John 14: 1-4.  This scripture gives me much needed hope. Not only will I see the ones that I have lost, but I will also be with Him… forever. I know to some of you, this seems pretty far-fetched and mystical. Trust me, I know where you’re coming from. I have had my fair share of doubt in the past but this is what I believe in, this is what keeps me going.

It also makes me thankful for where Evie is and that she is with Him.  She will never experience the pain and suffering of this world.  She is constantly dancing with her Father who loves her unconditionally.  I’ll be honest; I haven’t always had this positive outlook on Evie being in Heaven. I have certainly been selfish and wanted her here with me.  At times I still long for her and I’m not sure this will ever go away completely. However, it makes it easier knowing she is in the best place she could ever be.

I can’t wait to tell Addy all about her big sister and brother.  I want Addy to know all about where they are.  I want her to have the same hope of wanting to be with Jesus in Heaven along with her family one day. I especially can’t wait to sing and dance with Addy.  As we do life together here on earth, we will remember sweet Evie and where she is.  We will celebrate the life that God has given us now, the precious moments that we are experiencing together as a family. We will embrace this life until we move on to the next. We will try our best to remember what God taught us through Evie and how valuable life is. I thank Him for these reflections and the many ways He moves my heart.  I thank Him for His promises and for the next life to come.