"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with
unfailing kindness. I will build you up again..."
Nothing prepares you for the experience with a newborn. My sweet Addy
takes all of my time these days and it leaves me with not much time for
anything else. It leaves a void in my heart because my focus
has turned away from Christ and completely onto Addy and her needs.
Due to this new priority in my life, I find it very hard to pray and I barely
read scripture anymore. I have felt tremendously guilty because God
has given me this precious gift and I have practically abandoned Him
to focus on her. I have justified it in my head by convincing myself that
God wants me to take care of Addy’s every need. I often rationalize
that He is all understanding so I have a free pass to lose sight of
Him until I can get this under “control”. I find myself saying, “I’ll get
back on track.” Will I, or will I just keep using that as an excuse every
time I feel convicted? They say that it takes twenty-one days to make
or break a habit. It scares me to think that I’m developing a habit out
of doing life without Him. Yes, I’m sure God wants me to do my very
best take care of Addy’s every need. But why in the world would
I want to take care of her needs without Him? Him, who’s guided
me out of my darkest valley, Him who’s given me hope in hopeless
situations and Him who’s loved me even when I haven’t deserved it.
Why would I do that?? I don’t know but this world sure has a way of
distracting me. Therein lies the problem. The more distracted I get,
the further I get from Him. The further I get from Him, the harder it is
to get back. So what right? Well, recently I’ve noticed a significant
increase in anxiety and fear. I am fearful of everything these days,
especially when it comes to Addy. I yearn for peace and confidence,
the kind of peace and confidence that can only be found in Him.
Unfortunately I fall short accepting His grace most days. So instead,
I’ve chosen to carry the entire load of new parenthood on my own back.
But it’s way too heavy for me to carry it on my own. Besides what kind
of example will I be setting for Addy? I don’t want her growing up
feeling that it is okay to fear or worry. I want her to live a life knowing
that God has her heart and He will never ever leave her side. I
want her to be full of peace and happiness. I want her to enjoy
what God has done for her without constantly worrying about things
that she can’t control. How can I teach this to her if I don’t live by it?
The Lord healed the wound left by Evie’s loss but I’ll always carry a scar.
I think that scar is making me fearful of something happening to Addy. We
have waited four years for a child, losing two along the way. God got us
through it and gave us Addy but I still worry… a lot. I even get fearful
of losing Danny. My heart literally aches with the thought of it. It is
incredible how much you can love someone. But God’s love is much
deeper and more pure than our definition of love. His love is beyond
human comprehension. He only wants the best for me and He
loves me with His definition of Love. I KNOW this even though I don’t
fully understand it. So what am I scared of? I am mostly fearful
when it comes to Addy’s future and the responsibility of raising her.
I am scared that I am not good enough to give her what she needs
to live an abundantly fulfilling life. I want the best for her. I want
to make sure she knows that God adores her and wants a personal
relationship with her. I want her to know that fear ends where
faith begins. But that is a lesson that I need to learn myself.
Fear, worry and anxiety are weaknesses that keep me from trusting
God’s plan for me and my family. These weaknesses definitely
represent a lack of faith and I desperately want that to change,
for Addy’s sake.
I have this really cool Bible app on my phone. I read it during the late
night feedings with Addy. This seems to be the time that my anxiety
is at its peak level. Last night, I was humbly reminded of what Christ
did for me. Isaiah 53 says that He has taken my burdens, my weaknesses,
and my shortcomings and carried them to the cross. I don’t have to be
consumed with them in this life: “He was despised and rejected-
a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our
backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised and
we did not care. Yet, it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our
sorrows weighed Him down… But he was pierced for our rebellion,
crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole.
He was whipped so we could be healed. All of us, like sheep,
have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own.
Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all. He was oppressed and
treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led like a lamb
to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers,
he did not open his mouth. Unjustly condemned, he was led away.
In this moment, I am having a tough time describing how I feel about
these verses. I am ashamed that I lose sight of this truth daily. I
am utterly sad that after all He went through for me, I can turn my
back on Him.
I will say that this verse did not fix me, but I felt His presence
again after reading it. My fear and anxiety lowered and I found
that peace again even if for just a moment. I was humbled and led
to prayer for His mercy in my life. I am so thankful that God knows
what I need to read at certain times along my journey. I know all
too well that we have to go through seasons of weakness and struggles
to find Him. I am so thankful that in the meantime, He is carrying
my weaknesses. He loves me enough to promise that when I return
to Him resting in Him I shall be saved; and quietness and trust
should be my strength.