This is probably deeper than I should get with some, but
I’ve been pondering the phrase “God won’t give you more than you can handle”
for some time now.What if this is
not the case?Maybe God doesn’t
give us these things, but what if this world gives us more than we can bear at
times: temptation, depression/anxiety, addictions, insecurities, death, overwhelmingly
busy schedules, financial burdens...whatever it may be?What if, in
these moments, we realize we need saving? That we need a rescuer to come down and scoop us up so we can
handle the things this world can bring.What if some of us need those rock bottom moments so we can humbly
realize we’re not in control?To
remind us that God is sovereign and He promises us His healing hand. And that He will carry our burdens and
hardships by giving us an inner strength like no other: “Peace I leave with you; my
peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives”. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do
not be afraid” John 14:27.What
if it’s necessary for some of us to receive more than we can deal with just so we
can cling to Him knowing we can’t do it alone? What if we need something heavy to jolt us, to wake us up
from our “content coma”, to help us get our focus back on Him?It’s so uncomfortable though, I know. But,
what if getting us out of our comfort zone is our saving grace? Most of the time, I gain strength and
spiritual peace in my weaknesses. Some of you may too. I can definitely relate to Paul in the New Testament:
Therefore, in
order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a
messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it
away from me. 9 But
he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in
weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so
that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in
weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For
when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
The Bible study I’ve recently started attending has challenged me with
this question: have I realized I need a Savior? In this season of life I can
honestly answer, “yes” to this question. I desperately need Him in my current circumstance.The times when I’m
complacent or everything’s going just as it should…not so much. This is when I can potentially start to stray from Him the most. The realization
that I need a Savior is crucial in my understanding of Christ and essential in
my walk with Him.It’s easy to say
I believe in Christ, of course.But, until I actually grasp why He came to earth for me, why He died for
me and why He resurrected for me, it won’t change my perspective or my
heart. This is where I'll find my rest...in Him. I'll find a Savior. It definitely becomes more personal, right?
I’m running on an hour of sleep
today. ER with Addy for a few hours last night. Croup is no joke. Poor baby. I
absolutely hate it when she's this sick. Kids with vomit bags surrounded us.
One kid actually puked, but that was enough for me. If you know me well you
know I'm a germaphobe. If you know me really well you know I hate puke! I was not really prepared to face one my fears last
night. Silver lining: These sick babies got the best care ever and will quickly
get back to health. So thankful for pediatric nurses. They’re a gift from God. Addy
also got some really great meds. They're working already. She's on the mend
and eating lots of popsicles. Very fussy and cranky this morning, but wanted to
just cuddle up with me. I really enjoyed the closeness of her wrapped in my
arms. I’ll want these moments back one day. Got bleach on my very favorite
shirt. I’m still wearing it. I wore it to my appointment. It’s an awesome color (it brings out my eye color) minus the bleach stain. And, it fits
perfectly around my pregnant belly. I refuse to stop wearing it. I ran out the door without a jacket. Is it
really Spring? Note to self: Check the weather before leaving house without a
jacket, genius. Silver lining: If I were wearing my jacket, there would've been
bleach on it too. Note to self: Collect old jackets to give to those that don't
have jackets. I hope I really do it this time. Oh, time. Precious time. What I fill
with my precious time these days. Trying to make doc appointment and left cell
phone in garage. Had to go back and get it. Danny didn't know I came back. He called asking me if I'd ever experienced the garage door going up and down on its own before. I
was going to mess with him, but didn't have the energy. He thought we had a
ghost or a really smart rat. He makes me laugh. Rewarded myself with a chicken biscuit with cheese
from Chick-fi-la. Hey, it’s the small things. I may continue to reward myself
today with a chocolate hazelnut frozen yogurt waffle cone at Pinkberry. Another one of my guilty pleasures. Got to see our sweet Asher on the big screen.... it’s so amazing every
time I get to see him on an ultrasound. We got a 3D this time. He was absolutely
gorgeous! I can't wait to meet him. My crazy morning ended with happy tears and
a sigh of relief. Just basking in the moment. I was reminded of Scripture: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry
about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I then had another thought. Jesus saying in a tender voice "my sweet girl, don’t worry about the other things going on around you. Enjoy what I’ve given
you. What's right in front of you. Don’t lose sight of what I’ve done for you. These are the moments that
count.” So true…. so very true. There's
going to be so many more crazy days like this when Asher gets here. Some days
when I feel I don't have it all together and I'm a mess. Some days when I feel inadequate. Some days when I feel
like pulling my hair out. And, some days when I’m thankful for the days that do
go smoothly. But, it’s all worth it. My kids are here to remind me of sweet
blessings. A mom’s job can be the hardest. At the same time, it can be the most
fulfilling, most rewarding job in the world. It's honestly one of the best things I've ever done. I wouldn't have it any other
way.
I'm reading a great book called
"Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions" written
by Lysa Terkeurst. I would highly recommend it to anyone struggling with reining in emotions. Lysa Terkeurst’s life experiences in this book have brought
me so much comfort. I haven't felt
so alone after reading it and it's helped me through a really challenging
season. Just like Lysa, I've grown up with past experiences that have
shaped me into the woman I am today. I've
been conditioned to negatively think and feel a certain way for way too long. I
feel oddly safe with these unhealthy ways of thinking because it's what I'm used to. It's only when I started letting Christ in a few years ago that things
started to change. He's taught me so much through His example. The
way that He’s loved other people is astounding especially when they haven't
loved Him back. For Him to actually ask God to forgive those that
brutally beat Him and nailed Him to a cross (Luke 23:34) boggles my mind. We can all learn from His
testimony. He's definitely getting
me to a more healthier, more freeing place in my life. I'm a work in
progress though. I can revert back to my old ways of thinking at times. Boy, I
can be difficult. My stubborn
nature can take over and I don't want to go where God is moving me. I’m
so thankful Jesus loves me through it though (He wasn’t kidding when He said He
has come to love the world in the midst of its brokenness). I'm making what
Lysa calls "imperfect progress": "Imperfect changes are
slow steps of progress wrapped in grace... imperfect progress... it's okay to
have setbacks and the need for do-overs. It's okay to draw the line in
the sand and start over again and again. Just make sure you're moving the
line forward. Move forward. Take baby steps, but at least take steps that
keep you from being stuck. Then change will come. And it will be
good." Imperfect progress has allowed me to take a gigantic sigh
of relief from a life filled with anxiety encouraging me just to make progress
without the pressure of doing it perfectly. God doesn’t expect me to be
perfect. He just expects me to walk with Him through this progress and allow
Him to work in my life.
I've learned valuable lessons from
individuals this year. And, even more on the person that God wants me to become.I’ve
taken baby steps on how to make better choices in the middle of my raw
emotions. Through this challenging season, I've been hurt. But,
instead of getting stuck in my circumstances I’m choosing to move forward. God
has given me the hope that more change is coming for me. And not just for me,
but for the people in my life. My emotions not only influence me but also
those around me. My progress may be imperfect and slow, but it's progress.
I just need to be patient and wait
on God to move me.
Thank
you for those that have walked with me through this season of life. I'm
especially grateful for those that have loved me even through my fears, my anxieties,
my weaknesses…. my mess.
Here are some highlights from the
book that have really helped me through this challenging season. I
thought they would also bring comfort to others going through similar
challenges:
"Yes, but I must remember God gave me emotions
so I can experience life, not destroy it."
"No, we won't bend from the weight of our
past, but we will bow to the One who holds our hope for our better future. It's
a truth-filled future in which God reveals how emotions can work for us instead
of against us."
"For me, perspective doesn't just help me see
the current circumstance I'm facing from a new vantage point. It also
helps me process future things I face in a calmer, more grounded way. It
helps me develop a new way of thinking. And this isn't just some theory I've
observed in my life. It's actually the way God wired us."
"I can't control the things that happen to me
each day, but I can control how I think about them. I can say to myself,
"I have a choice to have destructive thoughts or constructive thoughts
right now. I can wallow in what's wrong and make things worse, or I can
ask God for a better perspective to help me see good even when I don't feel
good."
"I can face things that are out of my control
and not act out of control."
"Could I trust God and believe that He is
working out something good even from things that seem no good?"
(rhetorical question)
"Either way, as long a I believe, really
believe, God is there and that He is out to do me good, I can stop freaking out
trying to fix everything on my own. I can face things that are out of my
control and not act out of control."
"Labels are awful. They imprison us in
categories that are hard to escape."
"Trapped inside these straitjacket struggles
from all the self-defeating labels. Some prisons don't require bars to
keep people locked inside. All it takes is their perception that they
belong there. A soul that believes she can't leave....doesn't."
"Oh God, chisel me. I don't want to be locked
in my hard places forever."
"One of my favorite passages that confirms God
is calling us out of the darkness is from 1 Peter:
"As you come to him, the living
Stone...rejected by [humans] but chosen by God and precious to him...you also,
like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy
priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus
Christ.... you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people
belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of
darkness into his wonderful light" (1 Peter 2:4-5, 9 NIV).
"Peter was also the man who loved his Lord
with such passion he drew his sword and cut off the ear of the guard trying to
arrest Jesus (John 18:10). Then, just seven short verses later, we find
this same Peter denying he even knew Jesus: "You are not one of [the]
disciples are you?" the girl at the door asked Peter. He replied, "I am
not" (John 18:17 NIV). He sure sounds shifty to me. But not to
Jesus. Jesus saw a courageous man who needed chiseling. Jesus saw a
man who, when chiesled, whould boldly do what others would not. Jesus saw
Peter not as he was but what he could be. Tenderly, Jesus chiseled."
“Self-effort alone can’t tame the tongue and our
raw emotions that run wild.”
“When we are humble, we realize our honesty can’t
be one-sided.We make an effort to
see the situation from the other person’s vantage point.”
“Sip the shame before guzzling the regret. In other
words, taste a little bit of the shame of letting it all rip before you find
yourself drowning in gallons of unwanted regret.”
"Choosing a gentle reply doesn’t mean you’re weak:
it actually means you possess a rare and godly strength.”
"Holy restraint is the seed that produces the fruit
of self-control.”
“We can pour out our anxious hearts to Jesus who
loves us right where we are, just as we are. Because His love comes without
judgment, we soften and feel safe enough to humbly admit we need Him to work on
us. Trying to fix another person only adds to my anxiety. Letting Jesus work on
me is where real progress happens. I claim the promise that says, “Cast all you
anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).”
"If I make the effort to handle this conflict well,
I can be freed from the pressure to make everything turn out rosy. Sometimes
relationships grow stronger through conflict; other times relationships end.
Because I can’t control the other person, I must focus on the good God is working
out in me through this situation and leave the outcome with Him. God’s Word
promises that “the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in
Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and
make you strong, firm and steadfast” (1Peter 5:10).”
“I’m an encourager at heart. I love to give words
of encouragement and I love to receive words of encouragement. That’s probably
why words of discouragement affect me so deeply. I don’t mind constructive
criticism given in a spirit of love. But when someone hasn’t taken the time to
invest words of encouragement in my life before offering some sort of
constructive criticism, it doesn’t feel so constructive.”
“Open communication is the life-giving oxygen that
fuels good relationships.”
“My job isn’t to fix the difficult people in my
life or enable them to continue disrespectful or abusive behaviors.”
“Am I trying to prove that I am right or to improve
the relationship?”
“But God gave me more than just a heart to use in
processing life. He gave me a mind as well. A mind made for truth to reign
supreme and to keep my heart in check. We must remember, “The heart is
deceitful above all things….I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind”
(Jeremiah 17:9-10).”
“Operating in the flow of God’s power is so much
better than working against it.”
“Oh God, help us---help me. I want to be a passionate woman reined in by You and Your grace…. Not an exploder who shames herself or blames others. I want to sip the shame before guzzling the regret. I want to be the one who holds her tongue and keeps the Holy Spirit’s power working in me. I want these truths to sink in and become part of who I am and how I live. And I know that’s what you want too.”
I
woke up this morning to my normal routine.My day starts off at six in the morning with your baby sister
crying. As I walk into her room, I’m
pleasantly welcomed as she sang, “Jesus wuves me for Bible tells me so”. What a
great reminder. I reply with, “yes,
Jesus does love us, sweet girl… how great is that news?!”We ate our breakfast.We played in the playroom with Daddy before
he got off to work.We pack up and
head out to start our ordinary day.As I’m almost out of the garage, I receive a random text from a dear
friend.It reads, “Just wanted to
let you know I’m thinking of you and Danny today. Hugs!! Love you!!”What a sweet text, but why did someone
want me to know they were thinking of me? What was so special about today?It then hits me.I knew this day was coming for weeks,
but for some reason the actual day snuck up on me this year.Memories of you and your death came
rushing in.I remembered the life
you lived inside of me for nine months.I remembered the anticipation of your arrival.I remembered the happiness we felt knowing you would be a
part of our family.I remembered the
last time I felt you kick.I
remembered the dreadful words from the doctor “her heart’s not beating” and
watching the tears fall down her face as she delivers the heartbreaking
news.I remembered the agonizing
pain of your birth wanting it to be over, but at the same time not wanting to
say goodbye.I remembered your
amazingly supportive Daddy not leaving my side. God uses your daddy to love me so much here on earth. I remembered our family and friends
support. I remembered when you
were born and how physically and emotionally empty I felt afterwards.I remembered holding your lifeless and
delicate body in my arms praying that God would heal you in the way he
healed the little girl who was sick in the Bible. Or, the way He raised Lazarus
from the dead.That He would
change His plan.That He would
open your eyes and make it all better. I remembered Jesus’ agony in the garden of Gethsemane wanting
God to “take this cup” from Him. I remembered your beautiful curly hair with a
mixture of different shades of brown. I remembered your sweet little hands and feet.I remembered not wanting to leave you
behind to go home without you.I
didn’t want to face the nursery that we would never use and all the other
things that were ready for your homecoming.I remembered the day we went looking for your gravesite.What a surreal day.I remembered “Amazing Grace” by Chris
Tomlin playing over and over and over again on the radio.Even in my pain, it brought so much
comfort every time it came on.I
remembered the deciding factor of the cemetery we chose.It was whether or not the geese were
friendly (even through the painful tears, we managed to laugh at the hissing
goose that almost ran me into the water).I remembered your funeral and how small your casket was.I remembered feeling very uneasy that a
casket could be that small.I
remembered the pretty pink roses that brought a little beauty to the situation.I remembered watching your daddy breakdown
at your gravesite.He couldn’t
take it anymore.He had been way
too strong for me and just needed to let go.I’m glad that he did.I didn’t feel alone when he would feel with me, but I respected his
grieving process by letting him grieve the way he needed to. I was amazed with how much closer we became through the process of grief. I remembered the months that followed
your death.The pain in my
stomach.The ache in my
heart.There were some days where I felt really peaceful and others
I wanted to crawl back into bed. I
remembered asking God to bring you back.I desperately wanted to witness a miracle.You know the kind of miracles that people experienced with
Jesus two thousand years ago.My
ideal miracle obviously didn’t play out, but little did we recognize at the
time there was a miracle in motion.
Today,
the sun was particularly bright.The forecast called for another rainy day, but God managed to keep the
sun shining.I’m convinced that
God uses the sun to remind me of His presence.It’s one of His magnificent creations…. a work of art that
He shares with all of us.I took a
picture of it to capture its beauty.His beauty. I was reminded
of my redemption.I reflected on all
the ways He’s saved me.I
reflected on the huge price He had to pay for me on the cross.I reflected on Him becoming human so I
could relate to Him.I reflected
on the hope of eternal life with Him one day.I reflected on His grace…. His Amazing Grace.It washes over me every single day even
when I don’t love Him the way that I should. Since the day I accepted Him into my life, He’s been there
holding my hand, guiding me and loving me with His unconditional love. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in
all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in
Christ Jesus our Lord” Romans 8:38-39.Death did not separate me from His love and I’m convinced
nothing will.As I’m
meditating on all of this, “Praise you in the Storm” by Casting Crowns plays on
the radio.The song we played at
your funeral.I loved hearing this
while thinking of you.I don’t
believe it was a coincidence.God
wanted to remind me through this song of how we trusted Him, walked with Him
through the storm of losing you and came out on the other side with our arms
stretched out praising Him.And, it
was because of Him we made it through: “Every
tear I’ve cried you hold in your hand you never left my side And though my
heart is torn I will praise you in this storm.” I was so grateful for this
time with Him this morning.This
reflection brought on a renewing of my mind. My soul was reenergized.My focus was shifted and my spirit was replenished. I’ve been distracted and I’ve fallen
off-course the last couple of months so this time with Him was necessary.I’m so thankful I was in a position to
listen and to receive. I praise
Him for this experience.I praise
Him for being so active in my life and how He gets me back on track. I praise Him for His miracles in my life.
As I cried and wiped joyful tears streaming down my face, I heard your sister’s amazing little voice
in the backseat saying, “Mommy’s crying, want a goldfish?” She has a special way of making me feel
better.I just laughed through the
tears and told her how much I loved her.She asked for my hand and we held hands the rest of the way.I also felt your new baby brother moving
around in my belly. All I could
think in this moment was how God has been so amazingly good in so many ways and
in ALL my circumstances.
Such a burden on my heart the past couple of days, but I will not grieve like those that have no hope. I know there will be a day when He does wipe my tears and hold me so tight. I'm looking forward to that day, but until then I will praise Him and hold on to His truth until I'm there in His loving, comforting arms....
There will be a Day by Jeremy Camp
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth, that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long You feel you're walking on your own But there has never been a step Where you’ve walked out all alone Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart Cause joy and peace he brings And the beauty that’s in store Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day
