Our weaknesses He carried...

                      "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with 

                                         unfailing kindness. I will build you up again..."

                                                                   Jeremiah 31:3-4

Nothing prepares you for the experience with a newborn.  My sweet Addy 

takes all of my time these days and it leaves me with not much time for 

anything else.  It leaves a void in my heart because my focus 

has turned away from Christ and completely onto Addy and her needs.  

Due to this new priority in my life, I find it very hard to pray and I barely 

read scripture anymore.  I have felt tremendously guilty because God 

has given me this precious gift and I have practically abandoned Him 

to focus on her.  I have justified it in my head by convincing myself that 

God wants me to take care of Addy’s every need.  I often rationalize 

that He is all understanding so I have a free pass to lose sight of 

Him until I can get this under “control”.  I find myself saying, “I’ll get 

back on track.” Will I, or will I just keep using that as an excuse every 

time I feel convicted?  They say that it takes twenty-one days to make 

or break a habit.  It scares me to think that I’m developing a habit out 

of doing life without Him.   Yes, I’m sure God wants me to do my very 

best take care of Addy’s every need.  But why in the world would 

I want to take care of her needs without Him?  Him, who’s guided 

me out of my darkest valley, Him who’s given me hope in hopeless 

situations and Him who’s loved me even when I haven’t deserved it.  

Why would I do that??  I don’t know but this world sure has a way of 

distracting me.  Therein lies the problem.  The more distracted I get, 

the further I get from Him.  The further I get from Him, the harder it is 

to get back.  So what right? Well, recently I’ve noticed a significant 

increase in anxiety and fear.  I am fearful of everything these days, 

especially when it comes to Addy.  I yearn for peace and confidence, 

the kind of peace and confidence that can only be found in Him.  

Unfortunately I fall short accepting His grace most days.  So instead, 

I’ve chosen to carry the entire load of new parenthood on my own back.  

But it’s way too heavy for me to carry it on my own.  Besides what kind 

of example will I be setting for Addy?  I don’t want her growing up 

feeling that it is okay to fear or worry.  I want her to live a life knowing 

that God has her heart and He will never ever leave her side. I 

want her to be full of peace and happiness.   I want her to enjoy 

what God has done for her without constantly worrying about things 

that she can’t control.  How can I teach this to her if I don’t live by it?

The Lord healed the wound left by Evie’s loss but I’ll always carry a scar.  

I think that scar is making me fearful of something happening to Addy. We 

have waited four years for a child, losing two along the way. God got us

 through it and gave us Addy but I still worry… a lot.  I even get fearful 

of losing Danny. My heart literally aches with the thought of it.  It is

 incredible how much you can love someone.  But God’s love is much 

deeper and more pure than our definition of love. His love is beyond 

human comprehension. He only wants the best for me and He 

loves me with His definition of Love.  I KNOW this even though I don’t 

fully understand it.  So what am I scared of?  I am mostly fearful 

when it comes to Addy’s future and the responsibility of raising her.  

I am scared that I am not good enough to give her what she needs 

to live an abundantly fulfilling life. I want the best for her. I want 

to make sure she knows that God adores her and wants a personal

relationship with her.  I want her to know that fear ends where 

faith begins.  But that is a lesson that I need to learn myself.   

Fear, worry and anxiety are weaknesses that keep me from trusting 

God’s plan for me and my family.  These weaknesses definitely 

represent a lack of faith and I desperately want that to change, 

for Addy’s sake.

I have this really cool Bible app on my phone. I read it during the late 

night feedings with Addy. This seems to be the time that my anxiety 

is at its peak level. Last night, I was humbly reminded of what Christ 

did for me. Isaiah 53 says that He has taken my burdens, my weaknesses, 

and my shortcomings and carried them to the cross. I don’t have to be 

 consumed with them in this life: “He was despised and rejected- 

a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our 

backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised and 

we did not care. Yet, it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our 

sorrows weighed Him down… But he was pierced for our rebellion, 

crushed for our sins.  He was beaten so we could be whole.  

He was whipped so we could be healed.  All of us, like sheep, 

have strayed away.  We have left God’s paths to follow our own.  

Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all.  He was oppressed and 

treated harshly, yet he never said a word.  He was led like a lamb 

to the slaughter.  And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, 

he did not open his mouth.  Unjustly condemned, he was led away.

In this moment, I am having a tough time describing how I feel about 

these verses.  I am ashamed that I lose sight of this truth daily.  I 

am utterly sad that after all He went through for me, I can turn my 

back on Him.

I will say that this verse did not fix me, but I felt His presence 

again after reading it.  My fear and anxiety lowered and I found 

that peace again even if for just a moment.  I was humbled and led 

to prayer for His mercy in my life.  I am so thankful that God knows 

what I need to read at certain times along my journey. I know all 

too well that we have to go through seasons of weakness and struggles

to find Him.  I am so thankful that in the meantime, He is carrying 

my weaknesses.  He loves me enough to promise that when I return 

to Him resting in Him I shall be saved; and quietness and trust 

should be my strength.

Welcome Adalyn "Addy" Rose!

Danny put a lot of heart and soul into making this video for our family. We are incredibly happy that God has blessed us with this amazing little girl! We love her so much and are beyond grateful!

Getting Ready For Baby...

Sweet Baby Clothes

We are going to be doing a lot of reading!

Thanks Gigi for the awesome lamp!

This frog is too cute!

The room is a little bare, but this is just the beginning.  

Can't wait for Baby R to get here! We are counting down the days!

He Has Overcome the World

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

“Okay, God, so you want me to be of “good cheer” when bad things happen in the world or, more personally, to my world?”

I am reading a great devotional “Dear Jesus” by Sarah Young.  It seems that when I read it, it fits with what I am going through in the moment.  Not every time I read it, but most of the time.  It addresses my struggles, fears, insecurities and all that life can bring.  I am encouraged by this devotional and I am reminded of the things that are important.  I am held accountable through this book revealing that sometimes my heart is not where it needs to be and I need to shift my focus on the one true person that matters: CHRIST.

One morning I woke up with a heavy heart.  I just did not feel settled. I prayed before reading it communicating to God that I needed to hear from Him; that I needed positive encouragement.  He most certainly answered my prayer. The devotional hit me so deep and so personal that it overwhelmed me.  I was moved to tears and in deep prayer.  I love these moments of clarity and peace. His presence is so strong in these moments that all the things that clutter my mind seem to disappear.  I feel safe and secure.  I can only imagine that these moments could be similar to when I am face to face with Him in Heaven.  I feel that this is why quiet time is so important. It is not because I feel I will get in with God’s good graces, but because it is healthy for me to feel this close to my Heavenly Father.  It is therapeutic. These times nurture the relationship with Him. It also helps me tackle my day.

This morning’s reading is about experiencing trouble and distress in this world. “Trouble and distress are woven into the very fabric of this perishing world. Only My Life in you can empower you to face this endless flow of problems with good cheer.” You mean to tell me that I can face problems and adversity with good cheer through Christ?  This is incredibly encouraging that Christ can help me see the good even in adversity.  If I trust that He is moving me and in my heart, this can happen. It also reminds me that this world is not my home and that I will always feel a sense of discomfort while I am here.  However, while I am here I will live a life leaning on and praising Him through all circumstances. He will not allow me to handle trials and tribulations by myself.  I do not know about you, but this is very comforting! It has taken a season of grief for me to get a better grasp on these truths.  I am continuing to learn how to focus on Him and His promises.  I am certainly not perfect because I am human.  I still do not understand at times, but I am much closer than I was before. It reminds me of Christ’s disciples. He had to remind them over and over again of who He was and what He was about…they sometimes didn’t get it.  It is almost comical to read the dialogue between them. You can almost here Jesus saying, “you guys still don’t get it…seriously?!” How great is it that He is so patient with us. Oh, how I can relate with his disciples.

I will be honest with you; things are going really wonderful for me right now. I have a God that loves me, a husband who adores me, a baby on the way, supporting and loving family/friends, a roof over my head, an opportunity to finish school and so many other things that I could list. What more could a girl ask for? However, I know that trials and tribulations will come in this life, in my life.  God is teaching me His promises so when these trials do come I can face them head on with Him. I can trust that He is going to take care of my loved ones and me.  That I do not have to fear these things that may come and assume they are going to happen.  I can enjoy my life right where it is and take in every precious moment and breath God has given me.   He will work the good and help me see the good in every situation.  I will not be afraid and I will walk each step that God wants me to take.  I do not have to look very far.  He has shown me how to walk with Him through tough times.  He has fulfilled His promises so why would He stop now?

I am reminded of this sweet baby that will be here in about two months (boy, time flies). I am not going to fear what could happen, but praise God for getting this baby and us to the point we are now.  I have enjoyed every single moment with this little one and have been incredibly excited throughout this pregnancy. A year or so ago, I never thought this moment would come so quickly and I would actually be enjoying it. I had hope that it would come, but not so soon. My plans were to finish school and then we would cross this bridge (God obviously had different plans for us).  It seemed like such a hurdle, but it’s here and I can’t wait to experience this pivotal journey of being a mother.  I thank God for the peace, comfort and strength He has allowed me to embrace. It is the spiritual blessings that are going to get me through this life and allow me to experience “good cheer” during life circumstances.  I am so happy that God has my heart and is taking care of me…no matter what happens. I am so grateful that He has overcome the world!

Unconditional Love

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. 

Ephesians 3:16-18

     I heard the song “Times” by Tenth Avenue North today. I have not heard this song in a while and it took me back to my darkest moments after losing Evie. This song brought me so much comfort during the loss. I was experiencing many painful and raw emotions and felt shameful at times because most of them were directed at God. It comforts me knowing that I can come to Him in my most vulnerable moments and He will still accept and love me, no matter what. He loves me perfectly without strings attached. This song is such a powerful illustration of God’s unconditional love, grace and mercy. He doesn’t care how pretty I am, what emotions I bring to Him or how much I follow the rules. He is big enough to handle whatever I express to Him. God knows me better than I know myself so why not bring everything to Him? He just wants me, all of me and in return He gives me His love and mercy that never ends. Only God can find a way to love us this much. I am so use to human conditional love that I have a difficult time grasping the concept of how much God truly loves me. I am not sure if it is even humanly possible for us to fully comprehend this kind of love here on this broken earth. Thankfully, I am starting to get a better grasp on how wide and long and high and deep Christ's love is for me... 

I hear You say,

"My love is over. It's underneath.

It's inside. It's in between.

The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.

The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '

The times you're broken.

The times that you mend.

The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.

Well, My love is over, it's underneath.

It's inside, it's in between.

These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.

The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.

The times you're hurting.

The times that you heal.

The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.

The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.

I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.

I'm there through your heartache.

I'm there in the storm.

My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.

I don't care where you fall, where you have been.

I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.

It never ends."

All Life Has to Offer

Promises

     We were finally able to take some couple photos (not leaving out the sweet baby bump) this past weekend (thanks to my sweet and talented sister-in-law). As I look through them, I am reminded of the beautiful love God has given us to share in our family.  

     I recently read our wedding vows and it is so amazing to see us living out the promises in our marriage. It is the promises God wanted us to make and not break. At the time, never did we think storms would actually come and we would be living out these words, but now it all makes sense. The minister's address stated, "The commitment of marriage is one of the most important decisions two people will make in their lives. The vow of marriage is a pledge of everlasting love uniting you in holy matrimony, whereby you commit to share all life has to offer, the good the adverse, with patience and understanding. For your marriage to remain strong, your faith in each other must never waiver because of the trials and tribulations of everyday life. Remember, the power of love can conquer all obstacles. A strong marriage is dependent upon many factors. Beyond the love and respect you share for one another, there must be a strong sense of commitment and loyalty that bonds you in one indivisible unit. Above all there must be true friendship and the willingness to communicate with one another. A genuine liking for each other, the willingness to accept and understand each other's strengths and weaknesses, is the foundation for a strong and successful marriage." 

     By no means am I saying our marriage is perfect, but we have certainly found an intimacy that some couples unfortunately never find.  In our situation, I believe it is how we handled what we have experienced that has helped us achieve this intimacy. This is also not to say that couples must go through challenging times to find this intimacy. However, whether big or small, we all go through something that can help us grow and make us stronger. I am not sure where I heard this, but it is not the actual trial that shapes us, it is what we choose to do with the circumstance (big or small) that is significant. 
     At one point we came to a cross road in our marriage and had to decide which path we wanted to take.  With His Grace, we have been given a second chance to commit to our marriage and fulfill our promises we made to each other five years ago.  

     Danny, I am so excited about walking with you as we partner up with God on this new journey. I cannot wait to be parents and continue to enjoy every precious gift He has given us. I am also looking forward to the many years, God willing, we will have together. Here we go! I love you...

In the morning it comes

Heaven sent a hurricane
Not a trace of the sun
But I don't even run from rain

Beating out of my chest
Heart is holding on to you
From the moment I knew
From the moment I knew

You were the air in my breath

Filling up my love soaked lungs

Such a beautiful mess

Intertwined and overrun

Nothing better than this

Ooh, and then the storm can come

You feel just like the sun

Just like the sun

And if you say we'll be alright

I'm gonna trust you, babe

I'm gonna look in your eyes

And if you say we'll be alright

I'll follow you into the light

Never mind what I knew
Nothing seems to matter now
Ooh, who I was without you

No one knows where it ends
How it may come tumbling down
But I'm here with you now
I'm with you now

And if you say we'll be alright
I'm gonna trust you, babe
I'm gonna look in your eyes
And if you say we'll be alright
I'll follow you into the light

Let the world come rushing
Come down hard, come crushing
All I need is right here beside me
And all the love I'm swearing
Take my love and wear it
Over your shoulders

And if you say we'll be alright
I'm gonna trust you, babe
I'm gonna look in your eyes
And if you say we'll be alright
I'll follow you into the light.

"The Light" by Sara Bareilles

Wedding Blessing

Now you will feel no rain, 

For each of you will be shelter to the other.

Now you will feel no cold, 

For each of you will be warmth to each other.

Now there is no more loneliness for you,

For each of you will be comfort to the other.

Though you are two bodies,

There is but one life before you.

Go now to your dwelling place, To enter into the days of your togetherness.

And, may the days of your life 

Be good and long upon the earth.  

Loving Others

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.”

John 15:12

Whether you believe Christ was who he said he was, he taught us a very important lesson on loving others and on humanity. We can all learn from his teachings.  Through scripture, we can witness him showing more concern for the poor than the rich. 

For the past couple of days I have been feeling spoiled and selfish, but grateful to be a U.S. citizen.  This country is certainly not perfect, but we have rights, opportunities and freedoms that other countries fail to offer.

            I read an article in “Compassion” magazine this morning called “Lessons from the Trash Heap.” It was about a girl named Aury from Guatemala. She grew up, literally, on the city dump. The president of Compassion International described it as: "The stench was overwhelming in the sweltering heat. Hordes of flies immediately swarmed us, and we could barely hear each other over the roar of the bulldozers." The volunteer team asked Aury what she knows now from having grown up in this awful place. She responds with, “I know two things. First, I know what it feels like for people to look at you and think you are garbage. When I was very small, the dump trucks wouldn’t even swerve to avoid hitting me, the drivers thought I wasn’t worth the effort. If I had been killed out there among the dogs and vultures, probably nobody would have even dug a grave for me. I was already where I belonged, garbage in the trash heap.”

            Wow, I am not sure about you, but this leaves me with a heavy heart. Can you imagine feeling like Aury? Can you picture yourself living in these types of conditions? Like myself, it is probably really hard to imagine what she went through in this experience. This leaves me feeling disconnected from the world I live in. I just can’t relate. I personally feel self-absorbed. Aury is a person just like you and me. She deserves the same opportunities we all have received.

This story also brings me hope. Her perspective was even more amazing by saying, “I know that nobody is garbage. We are all loved by God and He has a perfect plan and purpose for every life. That’s what I know.” It was incredible the way she looked at her tragic situation as an opportunity to bring God into her circumstances.  God has also brought a sponsor in her life (an opportunity) offering her support so she can enjoy what this life has to offer. Through this experience, I believe Aury has gained spiritual wisdom, strength and maturity that is much more rewarding and valuable than earthly things. Aury has since graduated from college and started her own business.

            Aury is a prime example of courage and perseverance. She inspires me to continue to look at every opportunity, good or bad, as a way to get closer to Christ and to see Him in everything. This story encourages me to continue to look at my challenging circumstances as an opportunity to grow spiritually and humbly. I hear many times:  “life is what you make of it.” Yes, this is much easier to say if you have had the right opportunities. 

            It is overwhelming to think of all the needs in this world, but Aury’s story moves my heart to help provide opportunities for others using the resources God has given me. I do not have to help everyone, but by helping one person I am making a difference. I think we should all be inspired to get involved in providing opportunities for others. Christian or no Christian, we should work together to connect this world and help others.    

            As I am writing this blog, I think of the devastation an earthquake caused in Haiti, a girl or boy being sold into prostitution in Thailand, the tragic situation in Egypt, the extreme poverty and disease in parts of Africa. I even think of the poverty in our very own country.

I pray that we are all challenged to look at how much easier we have it in this life. Even if some of us have not had it so easy, I encourage you to look at it with a new perspective by being positive, strong and courageous, not allowing it to knock you down without getting you back up. Let’s put some of this energy that we put into ourselves into others with conviction, love and humility.