Friday, August 26, 2011

A Father and Mother's Love

     This is something that I wrote for Evie's year anniversary on February 12, 2010. Our friends and family gathered around us at Evie's gravesite to remember our children and to hold our hand as we grieved the losses. We are so grateful for them surrounding us with love. This was also before we were blessed with our sweet Addy: 

     Today is a very bittersweet day. It is not only a day that has changed our lives forever, but it is a day of remembrance. We are here to remember two beautiful children lost. Two angels that have helped us see life in a different way. We barely knew Evie and Luke for they left us way too soon. But, their short little lives have brought us to a beautiful place through suffering. Through this experience, we have realized we need a Savior. In our darkest moments, we have fallen down on our knees and prayed to God to take away the pain. Begging him to bring her back and asking him why he has forsaken us. Our prayers are different today. Our faith has grown and our hearts have opened up to the wonderful love and grace of God. We are now able to see our blessings and praise God for what he has done not only in our suffering, but for the transformation of our hearts. We have gone through a roller coaster ride of emotions from being shocked, to feeling guilt, to acceptance, to utter sadness, to anger, back to doubt, feelings of envy, to feeling a sense of peace, back to anger and that brings us to today. I am not sure if not going through this experience would have brought us to where we are now. There is a feeling of relief from all of the emotions we have experienced. We are finally working the loss into our lives and the bad days are few and far between. We are at peace with the circumstances that have brought so much grief. We actually feel happy and are amazed with how great we feel. This has been a process; a long journey that we would not have chosen, but have accepted as best we know how. Our road has been full of twists and turns, but we truly believe that this road has led us to our salvation, to our Savior, Jesus Christ.
     I remember walking on egg shells for the first 16 weeks of the pregnancy with Evie. This was the gestation age that we lost our first baby, Luke William in 2007. My prayers were much different then. I prayed that God would get the baby here safely. This is all I seemed to care about and where my heart was. I loved Evie more than God. I never thought to pray that if the pregnancy failed that He would take care of me, hold me and that I would find Him through it all. Our relationship was on such a different level at this point. After this period, I started to relax and enjoy the pregnancy. My dependency on Christ became less and less because things were going great. And, little did we know that we would lose her two weeks before she was due. It was such a slap in the face. Our dreams were shattered. We put so much love into finishing the nursery and it would never be used in the way it was intended to be used. We couldn’t believe it and it was so unfair. Our worst nightmare came true and we felt so incredibly helpless. 
     I remember the first time I prayed out loud in front of someone. It was in the hospital when I was holding little Evie. As I was playing with her sweet little toes, I remember begging God to help me get through this. It was utter sadness that I can’t explain and it is only when you experience this type of loss that you will understand the hurt and confusion we felt. This is when I truly knew I was in need of a Savior and that I would not be able to do this by myself. I wanted an explanation from my Savior, a reason as to what I could have possibly done to deserve this fate. I questioned why he would take us this far to take her away. I even questioned his love for me. We felt so desperate and betrayed. There were so many questions and no answers, just silence. 
     The first wave of anger that I experienced was when Evie was delivered. I remember the pull of her being released. I do not think I will ever forget this moment. I was so indescribably hurt and just could not understand why this was happening. She was a part of me for 9 months and then it was over. I can’t explain to you in words how empty I felt. I questioned God asking him, “What did I do to deserve this? What is wrong with my body? Lord, where are you in all of this?  How will I worship and trust you after this? How am I going to survive this pain? 
     Well, here we are in this place…we survived with Christ. The guilt, the anger, the confusion are gone and the questions are smaller. We are hopeful and have been saved. Our marriage is stronger than ever. We have taken this circumstance that has been given to us as an opportunity to grow our relationship with the Lord. We are leaning on our Savior, the only one that could have brought us out of this darkness.  
     We have found God in a way that we did not even think was possible. We depend on Him for everything. He has brought us into His precious light and He is making our paths straight. We know that Christ rescues us from the storm and pulls us out of treacherous waters. We lift our eyes to him and know that He is God. We know that He loves us. We know that He knows the plans He has for us, plans to proper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future. We know to call upon Him and pray and He will listen to us. We will seek Him and find Him when we seek Him with all of our hearts.We are going to try our very best not to worry about what the future holds and just trust him. We are not going to put our hope on him giving us a healthy baby. We are going to trust that if and when the next storm hits, we will be held.

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