This is something that I wrote for Evie's year anniversary on February 12, 2010. Our friends and family gathered around us at Evie's gravesite to remember our children and to hold our hand as we grieved the losses. We are so grateful for them surrounding us with love. This was also before we were blessed with our sweet Addy:
I remember the first time I prayed out loud in front of someone. It was in the hospital when I was holding little Evie. As I was playing with her sweet little toes, I remember begging God to help me get through this. It was utter sadness that I can’t explain and it is only when you experience this type of loss that you will understand the hurt and confusion we felt. This is when I truly knew I was in need of a Savior and that I would not be able to do this by myself. I wanted an explanation from my Savior, a reason as to what I could have possibly done to deserve this fate. I questioned why he would take us this far to take her away. I even questioned his love for me. We felt so desperate and betrayed. There were so many questions and no answers, just silence.
The first wave of anger that I experienced was when Evie was delivered. I remember the pull of her being released. I do not think I will ever forget this moment. I was so indescribably hurt and just could not understand why this was happening. She was a part of me for 9 months and then it was over. I can’t explain to you in words how empty I felt. I questioned God asking him, “What did I do to deserve this? What is wrong with my body? Lord, where are you in all of this? How will I worship and trust you after this? How am I going to survive this pain?
We have found God in a way that we did not even think was possible. We depend on Him for everything. He has brought us into His precious light and He is making our paths straight. We know that Christ rescues us from the storm and pulls us out of treacherous waters. We lift our eyes to him and know that He is God. We know that He loves us. We know that He knows the plans He has for us, plans to proper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future. We know to call upon Him and pray and He will listen to us. We will seek Him and find Him when we seek Him with all of our hearts.We are going to try our very best not to worry about what the future holds and just trust him. We are not going to put our hope on him giving us a healthy baby. We are going to trust that if and when the next storm hits, we will be held.